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I am taking a stand to no longer feel guilty about the food I eat.

Ever since I was young, I have had a weird relationship with food. This weird relationship is derived from my family, friends, and coaches.

 As I child, I watched my mother struggle with her weight and food. During her teen years, she was hospitalized for anorexia. Through her adult years, she still struggled with her weight. She would try the lastest fad diet or starve herself to get thin. She would do this when my father said something truly shitty to her about her weight or appearance. In third grade, she got super skinny again. Then, during my middle school years, my mother’s thyroid gave out. This made her gain weight until she weighed about 300 pounds. She continue to struggle with her weight until she passed away on 7/25/2005 due to a heart attack. 

My father, on the other hand, could out eat all of us. He was so freaking skinny. There were several times my father took us out to a buffet. He would tell us to get his money’s worth and encourage us to eat over our limits. Many times, I would end up puking in the parking lot. It almost felt like a badge of honor for him to watch his kid puke in the parking lot or playground.

As high school student, I was on several sports teams. In the middle of my Senior year, I had one of my coaches tell me I was putting on weight and that I needed to work on it. I had practice five times a week. On the weekends I was working at a job where I was required to stand from 6 am to 2 pm. I walked to work, school, and to my friend’s house since my family didn’t have a car that was legal.  

I could not figure out for the life of me why I was gaining weight. I decided to try abstaining from food or eating in front of people just to purge it when no one was around. This habit continue into college. The only person in my life that was privy to what was going on was my boyfriend at the time. He figured it out when I was at his house constantly during my first Christmas home from college. I would not eat while I wasn’t his parent’s house. We decorated cookies with his family where I refused to eat. There was a situation where he pretty much to force feed me a pirouline shortly after that. 

Being around large groups of people would make me very anxious to eat. I was always wondering if people were watching me nibble on whatever was in front of me. I had extreme anxiety when I went with my boyfriend to his winter formal. We went to Italian Oven which serves primarily pasta dishes. While we were there, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, you will be eating or even if I have to force feed you. Not wanting to cause a scene I ate and he kept a very watchful eye on me. There were a couple more events until he called me out on my shit. He put the lines in the sand it was either I started eating or he was going to tell my step-dad and my roommate to have me sent to a hospital. 

It took awhile to adjust from binging and purging and to start eating. I started to gain more weight because I started to go the other extreme and overeat everything. I began to group foods into good and bad foods in my heads. If I ate bad foods, I would regret it until I ate again or went to practice. 

Grouping foods into good and bad “helped” me make decision on what to eat and what not to eat. For instance, sometimes I want to have two coney dogs and cheese fries. Instead of telling myself no because it is on my “bad food” list, I am empowering myself to say yes to not let the food have control over my day to day.

I have come to the point in life where I am done. I am fucking DONE having such anxiety over what food am I going to eat. I am done feeling like a disgusting pig when I have to eat in large groups. I am done feeling guilty over what I am eating. 

I am choosing to focus on my food like it is fuel instead of what is going to make me the skinniest. I need to eat in moderation of all the foods I can eat. Sometimes, I am going to grab chips and a pop. Sometimes, I am going to eat very clean. If I keep myself on such a tight rigid diet, I am going to relapse and go back to my old ways. 

Once a week, I am writing goals for the week. Instead of writing goals that focus on only eating 900-1500 calories, I am setting a goal of getting all my daily fiber. However that looks, I just need to get my daily fiber. It is way too much stress to constantly be worried about am I hitting my calorie goal. Am I eating a “bad” food? The only person that gives a shit and makes me feel bad is me. I am choosing to not feel bad!

My body is an amazing machine that has carried me through several marathon trainings (even while I was eating wheat and feeling like shit) and making it to 30 years old. I am so much more than my appearance. I am smart, caring, and loving. This is what I need to focus on! Dammit!
Have you ever had struggles eating or your weight? Let me know how you feel about this post. 

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What bothers me most as a person with Celiacs

In light of May being Celiacs Awareness Month, here is another post about gluten intolerance. This will probably be harsh. Prepare yourselves.

As I discussed in my last blogpost, I have Celiacs. I have been rocking the gluten free lifestyle change for 8 months. There may have been one day where I indulged in a bagel just to see if I would be okay. That was a bad choice. Nope, still have issues with wheat, barley, and rye.

In these short 8 months, I have developed some as you call them “Are you fucking kidding me?” faces and feelings. There are a few scenarios in which these feelings or faces presents itself.

For instance, I went home one weekend. Someone was trying to make dinner for the whole family. They believe that frozen fries and breaded chicken wings were okay to make for dinner for everyone. When I discussed that I could not have either of them because they have wheat in them, their response was snarky and came across as well, it’s just chicken and potatoes. I asked if they had read the ingredient list. Of course they replied no. I flipped the both bags over and showed them they both had wheat. I got a really nice salad out of the deal. 

The reason why this bugged me so much was the attitude and the failure to read the ingredients. I have gone through everything I am not allowed to eat and how to figure out on the ingredients list with most of my family. 

The attitude just floored me. I have done extensive research, gone to a nutritionist, and google almost everything I put in my body to make sure I will not have gastrointestinal issues. Also, I have done some trial and error. One time, we ordered wings and they came out in breading. I thought I could get away with eating the insides and not the breading. I immediately had hives on my face. I am not trying to be a picky eater, I am just trying to make sure my body does not attack itself. 

Speaking of being a “picky eater” or on the “fad diet.” I really don’t like having to re-explain myself and my food intolerance to every waiter, waitress, manager, friend and family member. Please let me assure you that having to explain what I need and constantly worry about cross contamination is stressful. Or having family and friends ask me if I am doing this to lose weight. Yes, I am casually just giving up all of these foods because I want to be super thin. No, I had to get my blood tested (#ihateneedles) after having gastrointestinal issues and bloating which is dating back to high school. This is not a fad. This is my new normal for me to keep my intestines healthy to make sure that I get my nutrients from my food.

Speaking of education, I am astonished at some of the questions about what I can eat. I explain the things that I can’t have and then the next question will be “Can you have potatoes, chocolate, milk, or anything?” Yes, I can have potatoes because they are a root. Yes, I can have milk. It comes from cows. Yes, I can have chocolate. I am aware this is coming from a place of good intentions but I am afraid we as a society are getting really separated from what is in our food. Wake up and educate yourselves on what you are putting in your body. 

Lastly, this is me being me. Feel free to stop reading, it’s going to be super picky from here. I highly dislike when people brings things into work or some of my other groups for a nice treat like donuts or bagels, and there is no gluten free option. Everyone is eating these amazing foods and I am sitting there with my self packed lunch. The smell of a warm asiago bagel makes me want to hunker down over it like a wolf that has just caught a fresh kill with their teeth gnashing into it. If you think I am being primal, try giving some of your favorite foods up and watching everyone else eat it. The primal urges will rise up in you. Just please make sure to bring your GF friend a piece of fruit. We want treats too!
End of rant. If you have Celiacs or you are gluten free, let me know what your pet peeves are in the comments section. How do you get through these conversations? 

What did I make last night?

Last September, I was diagnosed with Celiacs Disease. If you don’t know what that is, let me tell you about it. (Because as much as I despised the “picky” eater when I was out and about, now I get to be that person with the eating restrictions.) When my body tries to digest wheat, barley, or rye, my intestine’s finger-like hairs are paralyzed and eventually stop absorbing nutrients. Nothing like overeating because you are hungry all the time but still are malnourished. Celiacs for the win! Let’s not talk about the symptoms (which are similar to IBS).

Everyone asks if the change has been hard. At first, I thought this was going to be the end of the world. As I worked through it with my family, friends, leaders, and teammates, it has been an easy transition. Through telling them what was happening, I have all these eyes and ears looking out for me when they are grocery shopping or at a restaurant. Several people I know have celiacs/paleo diet and were able to quick tips as I navigating the waters for the first time. 

Sometimes I do miss eating my old faithfuls like spaghetti, lasagna, a warm asiago bagel, soft tortilla tacos, garlic bread, or a nice burger with a fat bun. All of this gluten goodness on my mind! (Cue the drooling like Homer from the Simpsons.) I have been craving some spaghetti something fierce. 

Last night I made spaghetti with zucchini noodles or zoodles. Here is the recipe below! Bonus recipe below for an amazing salad that you could eat without dressing. đŸ˜€

Zucchini Noodle Spaghetti (feeds 2+ people)

  4 zucchinis (spiralized)

  1 lb of bison burger

  1 jar of whatever spaghetti sauce you like

  1 tablespoon of olive oil

  Lawry’s Salt

  Mediterranean Sea Salt

  Ground Pepper

I sautĂ©ed the spiralized zucchini noodles for about 2-3 minutes in olive oil, sea salt, and pepper. Then, I dumped the sauce in and brought it to a boil. While waiting on the sauce to boil, the bison burger was seasoned with Lawry’s Salt and Ground Pepper. Once that was finished, the burger was put in a strainer to drain away any excess oil. The burger was added to the pot. I let the pot boil for about 15 minutes. I turned off the burner but kept the pot on it as it cool down. Every few minutes I would stir the spaghetti. After about 10 minutes, the spaghetti was ready to serve.

Amazing No Dressing Salad (feeds 6+ people)

Make sure to wash all veggies before making this salad.

  Dice up one carton of cherry tomatoes.

  Spiralize two cucumbers.

  Chop 1/2 of a red, green, yellow, and orange bell    pepper.

  Dump 1 small container of feta cheese.

  Use whole bag of 50% Baby Spinach 50% Spring Mix 

Mix all of the contents into a large bowl. Then let the salad chill in the fridge for about an hour.

If you make this, let me know how you like or if you do anything different. Let me know so maybe I can try it. 

You Don’t Owe Them Anything

Last week, I was hanging with my best friend. You know the typical girl’s night where you have fun getting dressed up and trying to find that perfect bar to enjoy the rest of the night.

We went to one location and realized quickly that we were not feeling the vibe of the bar. Our favorite bar was closed due to renovations. We high tailed it out of there to go up the road to see if another club looked good. As we drove past, there was such a long line that we discussed to go to our old faithful.

This bar is an island themed bar with one of my favorite drinks called Pirate Punch. The drinks are relatively cheap and they have great food. They always have a good blend of oldies and newer songs. I can go up to request a song and actually hear it within ten minutes.

We got there shortly after 12 am. We had a few hours just to have fun. We grabbed a couple drinks and the music was a blend of Waka Flocka, Drake, Lil Wayne, MGK, and several other of my favorite rappers. We were just having fun singing loudly and dancing with each other by our table. 

The DJ was making fun of our music choices. Our bartender approaches us that the man at the end of the bar paid our tab. We danced around a little more and then went over to thank the man for paying our tabs. We shook his hand and said our thank yous. We went back to our table when the DJ came back to our table to tease us again. The man who paid for our drinks came over to “save” us from the DJ. We explained to him that the DJ was just being funny. 

When he said that, I was as getting major creeper vibes from him. As he was staring at me, he stated we could come back to his house. I let him know very quickly that I had a boyfriend to go back home to. He then turned his attention from me to my friend. He wasn’t really say anything until I would ask questions. I asked him what he did for a living and why he decided to buy our drinks. He stated he does it from time to time when he enjoys watching people have fun. At one point, I swear he asked if we were going to thank him. 

My bestie and I kept exchanging looks. I asked if she was ready to go. As she was getting up, she mentioned she had been talking to some other guy all night waiting for him to get out of work. We got the heck out of there and discussed multiple times how we felt creeped out. 

There were just so many red flags about this situation. He did not try to talk to us at all until we had several drinks. Also, why would we go home with someone who has only spoke to us for the first time for two to three minutes? Although we are independent, strong ladies, when we left, we felt guilty for not paying our bill or at least offering him money. Just because he decided to pay our tab, this does not mean we are obligated to make it up to him through however means he wants. 

Has this ever happened to you? What are your thoughts?

Don’t Be Controlled 

“The toxic behaviors were there before you decided to enter into relationships with them. The signs were there. You may have chosen to look the other way, but the signs were there.” 

During my online dating days, I spoke with a man who lived 45 minutes away from me. We tried setting something up several times to meet but plans always fell through on both sides of the fence.  

When we first started talking, I explained that my schedule is very busy. I was working three jobs and had a very odd sleeping schedule. The man wanted to be in constant contact with me despite my exhausting schedule.

Although I was completely transparent with him, he would get very upset if I did not return a text or phone call within minutes. I would even tell him I was napping and my phone would constantly be lighting up. If I did not respond right away, the texts would start out sweet and then turn into mean and accusatory texts about why I was not answering. He would blame his poor behavior on the fact his wife cheated on him. He never apologized but would play the victim big time. 

When I got an interview for my current job, I was excited and wanted to share it with this man and why I was so excited to go from having multiple jobs to having one job with a good sleep cycle. I was hyped about moving to the big city and all of the new opportunities that were in the future. Plus, I was moving closer to my core group of friends. 

I started to tell this guy about all of the positive aspects of this possible job. (You probably know what’s already coming.) He was furious that I would be taking a job that would make me move 2.5 hours away from him. He called me every name in the book and accused me of cheating on him. I did not even have the proper amount of time to give beside trying to have a second relationship. 

After that conversation, I realized I needed to stop trying to have a relationship with this man. I let him know flat out that I did not want to contact from him anymore. I expressed how I felt unsupported in this opportunity. He got more angry and aggressive. He eventually stopped contacting me after I went through with the move.

I felt like I deserved how he was treating me even though I was being completely faithful, transparent, and honest with him. In retrospect, I should have blocked his phone number and username from Okcupid. I learned from this interaction that I need to watch for the red flags and really stick to my guns about boundaries.

The person you are with should support you. They should be able to communicate their emotions without tearing you down. If they don’t agree with your decision, they should be able to respectfully let you know why.

Has this happened to you before? How did you end it? 

Since I have 45 minutes to kill

When I was in college, I dated one of my aunt’s friends because I was lonely. Out of the gate, I knew I should not have dated him. It was a conflict of interest and we did not have much in common. I was in the “let’s go to the bar” phase since I had newly turned 21 and he was not. 

When we first started dating, we were coming at this from two different angles. He wanted comfort, security, and a long term relationship. I did not know what I wanted.

To set up this picture a little bit more, I did not tell my step-dad about this relationship. I was living with my step dad at the time. I did not think he would approve of this relationship. This guy needed to use his resource to see me since I did not have a cellphone.

During that summer, I enrolled in a Microbiology class in order to replace a grade I got during that academic year. He enrolled in an online accounting class and would come up to the building I was in everyday to hang out during my class breaks. Occasionally, he would walk past my classroom. He would call or come visit me at the gas station I worked. When I was at my Aunt’s house, we would hang out there too.

Around the end of my class, I realized that I did not like him in a romantic way. I felt like the relationship too intense for me. I was going into my senior year of college and did not know where I would be in the next year. I did not want his expectations of our relationship to staunch my freedom to figure out who I wanted to be or where I wanted to go.

When I went to break it off with him during a class break, I was trying to be nice about it. He took it to a personal level. He let me know that  he usually does not date girls that are this fat and should not have taken a chance with me. It was very hard for me to continue to be nice about the break.

My aunt and uncle still hangout with this guy. Anytime I see him, it is hard not just a complete bitch to him. I have to remind myself that I am ever changing and this situation does not define who I am as a person. 

Let It Go

Hey All! Sorry for the week absence. I went on vacation last week and was preparing for it all week.

This story happens right after I graduated for my undergrad. I had had a crush on this guy all of my senior year into my first year of grad school. If we were in class together, we were always lab partners. Back in college, I was really bad about telling people how I felt unless I was either drunk or angry. He would ask if we could cuddle or come over just to hang out. I was so nervous around him that my face would turn bright red. I would get so excited to see him that I would jumble my words.

After my senior year, he went to boot camp for the Army. I wrote him several letters through the summer. Once he could use a phone, he would call and text me to see what was up. I lived for those letters and phone calls. Finally, he let me know that he was going to come home for Christmas. I was so freaking excited to see him. My roommate and her boyfriend were going to sleep over that weekend so we could all see each other.

My roommate and boyfriend knew how I felt. They were very excited for me as well. When he got there I could not stop smiling. We all decide to go to the pub. He teased me like usual. Then we were asking him questions about how boot camp was going. He let us know it was going well and that he had a girlfriend. I just looked at my friends. And in true Angelica fashion, I proceeded to get bombed. He would walk away from the table. My roommate’s boyfriend would tell me to calm down and to stop drinking as much. We walked back from the pub to home.

We get back to the apartment and decide sleeping arrangement. He was sleeping on the floor but the floor was cold. He asked to sleep in my bed with me. I let him and then build a pillow wall because I am still upset with him and the girlfriend thing. I set the expectation to not touch me as we go to sleep. Then my roommate and her boyfriend laugh at us saying yeah, okay, guys.

As you can probably guess, he waits for everyone to go to sleep (including me as well) to start trying to cuddle amongst other things. He ended up cheating on his girlfriend that night. After he did that, I couldn’t sleep. I went into the living room until my roommate and her boyfriend were up. I explained to them what happened. They looked me in my face and said, “Gross but now it’s time to put your big girl pants on and have a conversation. We are going to said boyfriend’s parent’s house.”

I stayed in the living room until he woke up. He had a little bit of conversation with me before he left. I did not have the conversation that my friends suggested I had since I was a coward. Then, I was left feeling super upset at the girlfriend situation and myself for not saying anything to him yet again.

Fast forward to May of that year, we all go out to Highland Festival. He invites the girl he is dating. I meet this girl. She seems really cool but distant. I am standing there sweating profusely wondering if she knows about me. I still hung out with him after I met her. Clinging to a hope that I might get my chance. Fast forward to October, they get married.

One night, after I moved to my new city and started my new job. He accidentally texted me. It had been about two years since we talked. I finally got up the guts to ask him if he remembered that night. He said he does not recall what happened. I let him in on all of the details. He apologized and then asked if we could be friends. I just lol’ed and said yeah, okay since we talk so much.

Lessons learned: Go out on a limb and tell people how you feel. Otherwise, you are going to feel regret when you see them move on. Don’t let drunk guys sleep in your bed. That is a bad freaking idea. Especially, drunk guys with girlfriends. It turns into a mess of trouble.

 

Let me know what you think. Comment, like, or share about your experience. What would you have done differently?

New Blog Post on 8/16/2016

Hey Friends!

I will be posting tomorrow (8/16/2016).

I will be discussing more about setting boundaries and not sharing your bed. 

I can’t wait to share this story with everyone. đŸ™‚

Sometimes, I am the jerk.

“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.”

I saw this quote on Facebook earlier today. (Thank you to the woman I know who posted it.) This quote reminds me of when I was an asshole when dating someone.

I met a man on OKCupid. He had a stable job. He was looking for more of a serious relationship. I was looking for more practice dating. I was jealous of my friends because they had all found someone they loved or liked so fast. Instead of waiting it out to find the right one, I decided to date this man.

Even at the time and now, this is probably the worst thing I have ever done to another human. He really liked me and I was not sure how to have an adult relationship. I kept trying to play adult even though I knew I was severally lacking in this department. For instance, I had the hardest time making the first move to kiss him or even hold hands.

I had a good time with him. But I could tell he was really into me. Some evenings, we would go for walks around my small liberal arts college town or watch tv at my apartment.  I acted very hot and cold with him the entire time we were together.

Early on in the relationship, my aunt was getting married, we had her bachelorette party  at a local bar. He kept asking to hang out. I finally gave in. He met my aunt and her best friend. My aunt really liked him. After speaking to my aunt, she told me that he really thought things were serious if he was meeting family members. At the time, I did not even think about this perspective. (I am an ass.)

Then I decided to break it off because he smelled like my real dad. He called me out on my bull and let me know that I was full of it. And that I was treating him like shit. He was totally correct. I stopped talking to him for a few months. He would text me occasionally.

After I moved closer to grad school, he ended up moving to Grand Rapids. He still would text me out of the blue. One night, he wanted to come to where I lived to hang out. He was with a buddy. I agreed I would come out. Did I actually go out to hang? You guessed it. I stood him up. (What a freaking ass.) He was texting me pissed off since he drove 2 hours to see me.

Then, he waited a few more weeks and tried again. He drove the two hours to see me. Did I actually go? Yes. Was I on time? No, I was two hours late. (I am a jack ass.) He was so mad. We ate together and enjoyed the karaoke that was happening. Since he drove all the way, I let him stay the night at my apartment. He left in the morning without saying a word. He never texted me again. Rightfully so.

The best thing to take out of this story is be honest with your intentions to your possible love interest and yourself. Don’t lead others on just because you are yearning for something everyone around you had. The grass is not always greener. Lastly, if you would not like someone to take the same actions with you and your heart, do not do it to someone else.
If you liked this post, please comment, like, or share.

Let me know if you have had this either happen to you or you were the person doing it.

Thank you for reading.

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